The Insane Ramblings of a Mad Man
by CrazyandAwesome
Summary: The gang sets off to find the ultimate pickle, but soon get sifetracked. Review Please.


Decisions

I have a towel who's name is Herb. He is blue, luscious, and my only true friend. You're probably wondering what kind of freak I am telling you this and the truth is my life has been a mess. It has made me the colorful, travel-worn, suicidal, freak that I am. By the way my name is Arthur Dent.

Right now I am running across some abnormally cold lava with a lunatic named Trillian. I figure that the more I run something is bound to happen, so I continue to stare ahead and run. I am not quite sure how I got here but I know that I just have to go with it. My life has been a series of tedious struggles and I learned not to question them or life will just spit some more glorified crap in my face,

The landscape was going by fast and amazingly it was actually pleasing to look at. The sky was a deep shade of red and the clouds were purple. The lava was glowing a dull orange and it made me feel warm inside. The sand around me was neon pink and the smooth rocks in it were the nicest shade of indigo I've ever seen. Too bad I can't enjoy this because currently a diseased mad man is chasing me while flailing his candy cane of doom. How we got in this hellish situation doesn't really matter, what matters is the fact that I need a new toilet. Everyone needs a toilet. That is just something every galactic hitchhiker needs.

The lava suddenly broke and Mr. Candy Cane broke through and burnt up like a cigarette. Trillian and I looked at each other and instantly understood what had to be done. We were now on our way to the Wonder Bowl, the greatest toilet warehouse in the world.

"Life is useless and unforgiving. Why not just kill me now?" poor Marvin sighed dramatically in his usual depressed monotone.

"If only, If only, but the chainsaw is in the shop." muttered the usually upbeat Ford under his breath.  
Ford Prefect and Marvin, the chronically depressed but brilliant robot, were currently walking through a barren desert because of a taxi screw up. There is unfortunately nothing remotely interesting about this beach. It was bleak and sullen like most deserts.  
"Marvin," whined Ford "I got a turtle head peaking out."  
"I have the intelligence the size of a thousand suns, and I have no idea what the hell that means." sighed Marvin sounding less and less interested.  
"Who's smarter now!" retorted Ford smugly. Marvin answered with a simple uninterested look. "Marv, it means I got to go number two.  
"Thanks for informing me." replied Marvin.  
"You know what that means?" asked Ford cheerfully. Silence. "It means we get to go to the Wonder Bowl." More silence. "Marvin? Hello anyone home? Look, a hot depressed female robot." Even more silence. "Crap! Marvin did you try to kill yourself again?"

"I'm gonna find the dupe who invented alarm clocks and kill them," cried Zaphod Beeblebrox from his pathetic trailer on the planet Ursa Minor Beta. Zaphod had come to the legendary party planet to pursue his career in pop song writing and he has failed miserably so far. He sits up and stretches recounting the adventures of his past life and starts sobbing uncontrollably.  
Rubbing the tears off Zaphod gets up and fumbles through his morning routine. When he comes to number 47 on his morning checklist, Zaphod goes to sit on the john and his bare butt hits the splinter covered floor.  
"Zarquan," bellows Zaphod with the voice of a diseased maniac. Which in retrospect he was a diseased maniac. "Now I have to go to the Wonder Bowl. Well first I have to steal money from my neighbor.

Laughter

'Just like old times' thought Arthur. Trillian and him were currently hiding in a vogon cruiser, hitching a ride to Merta. The home of the Wonder Bowl. Currently, the vogons did not know that they had two stowaways in the bowels of their great ship. Trillian and Arthur were sitting in silence because they didn't want to be heard and forcefully ejected or worse. Back in the good old days vogons would punish their prey by reading their poetry, now they've taken a fancy to singing bad miley cyrus songs until either the listener surrendered or bit their hand off and slapped themself to death. You can see why trillian and Arthur might want to avoid this.

Time went by as usual when Trillian decided to amuse herself with her copy of the one and only Hitchhikers guide to the Galaxy. She flipped through until she found the article on the meaning smiled to herself and started chuckling softly in the strained voice of a psycotic serial killer.

At the same time that Trillian through her head up in laughter, Marvin sighed deeply and twiddled his robotic "thumbs". Ford looked over at Marvin and cleared his throat loudly trying to attract the attention of the poor android. Marvin had ignored the grunt several times and finally decided to slowly put his head up and roll his lifeless eyes in the direction of his energetic counterpart. When Ford's gaze connected with Marvin's he jumped up excitedly and started doing jumping jacks frantically.  
"What possible service could jumping jacks accomplish," asked Marvin in an uninterested tone.  
"They make me feel warm and giddy inside," responded Ford.  
"I thought you had to make a bowel movement," questioned Marvin.  
"Well until we get of this taxi ship I'm gonna have to hold it in."  
"Yes, well I hope this ship lands on Merta soon." Marvin interjected.  
"Yeah then maybe we can get our party on," shouted Ford and he started imagine his fake party which made him start chortling uncontrollably like a madman.

Zaphod stared perplexed at his trailer hitch wondering why it wouldn't hitch to the back of his rented inter-planet uhaul. After twent minutes of struggling he finally got the two to connect and he made his way to to the pilot's chair and sat down. Zaphod looked at the controls trying to find the on switch but turned up in failure. In frustration he kicked the stupid steering wheel and nothing happened. Zaphod through himself out of the ship and started attacking it with rocks. When all of a sudden it started up and flew away leaving Zaphod to sit and cry.

Out of the blue a rock walked over and sat next to Zaphod. The rock looked up at Zaphod and smiled lovingly. "Its okay," the rock said in a comforting tone.

"What the Zarquan," shouted Zaphod and he fumbled to stand up and when he did he fell right back down. He stood up again through a rock at the talking rock and ran for his pathetic life. "Damn," he said to himself, "I have to lay off the psychedelic drugs."

Zaphod shook his head clear and looked around him with a curious expression plastered on his face. He looked left, right, up and down looking for something. Finally after much paranoid searching he found what he was looking for. Right next to him was a gift card to galactic-mart, now Zaphod could go get the necessary supplies in order to hitchhike to the Wonder Bowl. He went in the Mart, conveniently located in high industry areas, and got himself a new towel, cloud block, and a pair of disco goggles.  
After paying Zaphod walked outside and happened upon a suspicious man wearing a trench coat that looks like it belongs in a Flashers Outlet Mall. The still suspicious man called Zaphod over and he offered him a trip to the wonder Bowl. Zaphod through down his acquired possessions and got on the ship. Once up on ship he through his head up in laughter and got ready for his journey.

Three became Five

Arthur and Trillian slowly sneaked off the vogon ship and stared at the Wonder bowl in all of its infinite and incomprehensible glory. The building itself was shaped like a toilet and every part of it worked effectively. It started as a toilet for those who claim to be vertically uplifted. Giants in short. Soon after the project was abandon and the owners made it their goal to give every self respecting life form in the universe a chance of bathroom filled happiness.  
Arthur and Trillian slowly began the descent down the handicap ramp to the front entrance. They saw the crowds of people staring, the little kids pointing in awe and the happiness that a comfortable toilet gave people. They reached the door and turned around and smiled at each in a creepy way. In rapid succession they discussed the toilet they wanted when suddenly Trillian turned around and saw three faces that were forever burnt into the confines of her never expanding skull. Arthur turned around quickly saw his three "closest" friends and tried to suffocate himself with his battered, blue towel.

"Finally!" shouted Ford with all his might. Marvin and him had finally made it to the Wonder Bowl. Together they stepped out of their taxi and made their way to the front entrance.  
Ford looked at the magnificent sight, his eyes gleaming withe excitement of a schoolboy and Marvin looked his same depressed self. "This is such a waste of a trip,"" murmured Marvin.  
"What was that?" questioned Ford.  
Marvin simply responded with a stare in the direction of a guy getting mugged. Ford looked around and saw the three people he was waiting to see in hell. 

Zaphod thanked his paroled flasher friend and made his way down to the Wonder Bowl. He looked around and marvelled at the incredible structure. The towering toilet was casting a shadow long enough to cover Cleveland, before it blew up that is. Zaphod looked around in fear hoping nobody would recognize his face. After his embarrassing retirement from the office of president of the galaxy he is always afraid of people pointing and laughing. Sort of like that group of second graders over there.

Zaphod hung his head in shame and walked towards the main entrance hoping to get a fancy toilet. he rounded the corner and one of his many nightmares came true. He saw four people that he thought life had already thrown down the metaphorical toilet.

Reunion

"AAHH!"

Oh My Zarquan!"

"SHIT!'

"ODD!"

"Told you to just kill me now." These five exclamations came out simultaneously and all with an equal amount of zeal and enthusiasm. After the shouting a series of disgruntled, disturbed looks followed that could scare even Andre the giant. They all stood staring at each other not knowing what comes next, last time they all saw each other they wanted almost nothing to do with each other except the occasional hallucinogenic and maybe some money.

Suddenly a pink tulip killed itself by unexplained means which provided for a conversation starter. "Well that was unexpected," Ford spoke nervously.

"Yeah, well... um... sure," Arthur suspiciously muttered. There was enough awkward tension that you could brake the air with a deflated inner tube. Arthur looked around hoping somebody else would say something insightful or interesting. He just wanted things to back to something relatively closed to the average perceived concept of the inevitable end that is normal. Of coarse he'll never know what it's like to ever feel something close to the comforting feeling of normal.

Everyone around Arthur was suddenly staring at him expectantly waiting for the unknown something. He was suddenly wiggling uncomfortably hoping to get rid of the stares ripping at his souls. Finally he said "Hey wanna hear a joke."

He was answered with some uneven nods so he started his joke "Why was the prehistoric chicken crossing the road?" He was once again greeted with four uneven stares so he continued "It was evolving a joke!" Arthur fell down roaring with laughter and his 4 friends took this chance to kick him while he was down.

Arthur finally stood up and the five of them resumed awkwardly staring at one another. Suddenly, all of them started laughing unharmoniously and they joined together in one big hug, except Marvin who of coarse just stood there frowning furiously. The five of them stood in a strait and entered the Wonder Bowl as the unbelievable, logic defying, team they all knew they were.

The Wonder Bowl

After the failure with the giants, the founder of the Wonder Bowl, Mr. John Bowl also the founder of the word shithead, designed the magic that the modern member of the universe knows as the wonder Bowl. He built it in all of its God given glory hoping to bestow the gift of universal significance. He gave each toilet a comforter, and each employee one of those smelly things you find in high class toilets to wear around his neck. His glorious last words were "In remembrance of my work I would like my son to have my favorite toilet and my crazy aunt Louie to have my extreme fortune.

The so called dream team walked together browsing the toilets making some suspiciously pleasant conversation. Ford worked his way over to Arthur in order to discuss the ongoings of life. "Hey," Ford excitedly greeted. "Whats up? How have you been? Found any love? Did you fall and wish you had life alert ?Meet any cats with depression?" Ford questioned earnestly.

Arthur looked at him with that same glazed overlook that his ex-girlfriend use to complain about, before she disappeared under mysterious circumstances. Arthur finally opened his mouth when suddenly all possible unreachable hell managed to break lose and attack the poor unsuspecting shoppers at the Wonder bowl. A large jagged crack appeared in the middle of the store and a large crack of lightning appeared in the hazel sky. People were screaming like Vesuvius was erupting or like the guy who plays fat Albert walked into a crowded Taco bell with a hungry expression painted on his face.

"Uhh I think we should go," Arthur murmured to his friends.

"No shit Sherlock!" Ford whisper-shouted to Arthur. The five of them took off running towards a golden, unmanned ship with hopes of "borrowing" it. Ford, Arthur, Zaphod, and Trillian looked around in confusion. Where was Marvin? They all thought to themselves. Simultaneously they all looked over the field they just crossed and saw Marvin dramatically walking over the old people who fainted in fright.

Finally, Marvin reached the rest of his posse who were frowning ferociously at him. The boarded the ship and went to the cockpit to see the technology of this ship. They looked it over and saw it was a standard triple A set. ford took the pilot's chair looked at the his tools and pushed the first button he saw. Suddenly they were flying out to the sky with the speed of a thousand gazelles on good steroids. everybody but Ford took this chance to sit on the comfy laz boys spread about the cabin and catch up with each other. "So...," Trillian started "HOw have you all been."

Arthur looked around at his peers seeing the awkwardness and stood up unceremoniously. "Well my name is Arthur." he said to his friends.

"Dude shut up this isn't a crappy therapy session we all unfortunately know who you are!" Zaphod shot a t him. "ANd Trillian in order to stop the usual nonsense that escapes you stupid mouth, no one cares how you're doing. Marvin we all know you are just as depressed as when we lost saw you, and I'm just dandy so lets all shut up and take a nap." After Zaphod's rampage was over everyone took their respective corners and went to sleep hoping each other would die.

After several hours of sitting, and eventually sleeping, in silence the ship started to spin in frantic circles. All of a sudden the dream team was awake and on their feet. "Yo daddy-o, what's shakin'?" Zaphod asked Ford who had remained the pilot of the god given gold ship.

"Well.. Uhh.. We are." Ford worriedly answered. The five of them looked outside the window and saw that their ship was shaking quickly in a scary fashion. After several moments of frantic panicking, a loud thud echoed through the ship causing everybody to jump in fear. "Hey Marv, go see what that was." Ford ordered.

Marvin moved the enormous bulk that was his head and shifted his eyes from the unending, unforgiving, soul sucking reality that is space and focused in on Ford's beautiful face. "You want me, the genius robot to move my fat arse to the other side of this ship just to look at a little bump?" Marvin questioned in his usual monotone.

"YUP!" Ford responded. Marvin gave him one last contemptuous gaze and left the cockpit muttering something about the feeble intelligence of his deranged masters.

The Thud

The sound of a melodramatic sigh echoed out across the walkway as Marvin made his way towards the obvious source of commotion. There in the middle of the side of the ship was a large dent. Marvin slowly trudged over too the dent and when he finally got up to the edge he put his head and started scrutinizing the blemish on the side of the immense bulk. 'Hmm' Marvin thought to himself 'isn't that an asteroid, because if so we are screwed. Marvin turned on his "heels" and made his way back to the cockpit.

In case you were wondering there are several reasons why an asteroids to the generalization of being unavoidably screwed. A long time in a galaxy very close there was an astronomer named Nicolai Meteori. One day mister Meteori was sitting in his lonely studio apartment when he decided to look up. When he looked he saw a rock from the sky coming right at him. In his last minutes Meteori decided that these flying rocks will be called Meteorites. The meteorite finally came down and killed more Nikolai which is Nicolai's Labrador. On that moment another meteorite came and killed Mr. Meteori giving the theorem that Meteorites travel in packs.

Marvin slowly came upon his interested party and told them news. "Well," he began, " in approximately five minutes we will be hit with about two hundred oncoming meteorites." Marvin told them never losing his infamous monotone.

Four and a half minutes later every living thing composed mostly of water was still flapping their hand in a young bird like fashion, when suddenly the bell rang. At the five minute mark there was dead silence and everybody looked at each other in an odd manner. An exasperated oohh broke through the silence and everybody turned too look at the source. "I meant five HOURS later," Marvin commented his voice now hosting a layer of unwanted sarcasm.

"So now what?" Arthur said. The three humanoids looked at Arthur and punched him his diluted head.

"So now that we shut monkey man up what should we do?" Zaphod pondered.

"Ohh, don't worry about," Ford answered cheerfully "five minutes ago the problem was that we only had five minutes when our destination was six minutes away. As we speak here we are at our destination." Everyone looked out and saw the unexpected.

"A what?"

The object in front of them was clearly mystifying but at the same time fantastic in its own special sentimental sort of way. They looked out and saw the grand ditch in all of its infinite wonder. "Grooovy!" Zaphod exclaimed to his audience.

"Yeah, I know." Ford said. The four of them, Arthur was now awake, but Marvin was elected to stay behind as the "guard" , and they traveled down to the gravel filled ditch. "Always wanted to go here," Ford muttered to himself and anyone who happen to be listening and as it was somebody was there was somebody listening. Just Arthur. He was bored. I mean seriously its just a gravel filled ditch.

"Well that was fun," Zaphod sarcastically commented to this makeshift group and together they made their way back to their golden bedazzled ship. Upon arriving they found two things out. One, Marvin was unplugged in a dusty corner, and two. There was a mysterious note precariously left on the step ladder to the ship.

Ford stretched out his hand out in a dramatic fashion and snatched the note up in his muscular appendage. The first thing he was a picture of something roughly six inches long, round with one tipped edge, and it had pale tint to it. "Umm guys I think this is a picture of a di-"

"No!" Zaphod cut in "It's rare albino pickle. Nothing else you sick twister perverted mother hating bastard." He added as a grin stretched across his crooked two heads.

"A what?" Arthur asked with uncertainty nibbling on his words.

"It's the most rare sought out substance in the world. The famous albino pickle was first observed by some four eyed speckled geek who happen to have suspiciously blue eyes." Trillian answered with an edge of peppiness that the common schoolgirl cheerleader would envy.

"Really," Arthur commented his interest slowly fading. "Is there a note somewhere next to that picture your so called "pickle" .

"Haha," For returned "And as it is there is a note. find me! Please1 it's cold I'm here! How's cell phone reception here.

"Hmm that's weird," Arthur commented to the world "How in bloody hell do I get four bars twenty seven light years away from home."

"Who cares about your needs!" Zaphod snapped at him. "So what do y'all say. My life sucks more than a baby with its baba. Do you all want to go one last hooray and find the famed Albino pickle." Zaphod asked hopefully. He gestured with his hands hoping for that the added effect would convince his fellows to come.

"Okay" Ford said, "Someone wake up Marv and lets take a vote." Marvin trudged over to them and they stood in alphabetical order and prepared to cast their vote.

"Yay"

"I'm gonna have to go for nay"

"Do I care? Just bite me."

"Sure I ain't knocked up."

"Well shit yeah."

"Well," Ford said to the group at large "The score is three-two and 'yay' takes the win." The five of them stood up and made their way to their assorted seats and prepared for their trip to the land of the pickles.

Home of the Pickles

For the first time in all five of these assorted nitwits pathetic lives they actually had a safe trip. Their whole space journey went soundly and smoothly as they made way to a planet dedicated to the selling and farming of one of nature's wonders, the pickle. There once was a time when this planet was just plain old spherical collage of rocks loosely held together by gravity. Then along came a movement called the new wave.

The new wave was a movement started by a single family descended from one of the controlling planetary powers of the time. This family started rallies all over the galaxy to bring the world together in universal praise for the prized vegetable called the pickle. The name of this great family has been lost to the centuries but a now a relatively unknown family takes care of the pickle business. According to legend a whole planet was dedicated to the cultivation of pickles. In honor of the caretakers the planet is now caller Lube-polis. The surface of this entire planet is covered in what is known as the great pickolonian rainforest. The rainforest is now known as the birthplace and home of the rare albino pickle. There are only five of these pickles left to wander the stretched of this particular universe. Now back to where we were.

The five of them grabbed their pickle note and walked away from their ship. After they got fifty paces between them and the ship when it blew itself up. The five of them looked back and continued walking into the direction of the fast rainforest.

The Search(Some time later)

"I'm tired of this shit," Ford spat out. A few days ago Marvin had suddenly disappeared. The four remaining friends looked in a somewhat frenzied state for their poor depressed android. They finally found him shut up in a weeping willow tree and they just left him there. "I sort of feel bad about just leaving Marvin there."

"Who cares! That metal man always brought me down." Zaphod replied.

"Yeah, I personally think that Marvin wasn't in touch with his personal aura and his lack of belonging drove him to find hope in the lack of everything necessary to leave a fulfilling life." Arthur calmly added.

"MAN," Zaphodn said as he shook his heads "Is it just me or is monkey man really gaying this place up.

"I happen to think that he touched on a vital issue prevalent in todays depressing society." Trillian somberly spoke.

"Will all of you just go get some freaking pills and leave me the hell alone. We have a quest of sorts and damnit I'm going to finish it because if I have to spend another day with you all I'm going to kill myself or publicly castrate myself." Ford shouted at the top of his apparently big lungs. His other three counterparts looked at each other with wonder and awe.

"Damn, don't need explode and makes feel all scummy and dirty" Zaphod muttered looking like a three year old who lost a prized lollipop. The four of them stared long and hard at each other just letting the time fly insistently by. When suddenly all five of the were hugging each other in away that would make big bird or elmo cry with happiness. They burst into a sudden rampage letting all their unsaid feelings of the past few stressful weeks pour down into a sea of despair that with each other's help they would be able to pour themselves out of when they needed to.

After several minutes of this sudden onset waterfall the four regained their so called composure and stared out at their surroundings. The surrounding trees all were a shade of white that the human mind cannot quite comprehend and the leaves were cucumber green. Most of these were roughly the outline of a palm tree but every once in a while you would find a tree shaped like a weeping willow or just a plain old gleeful willow.

The stuff that covered the ground was a grass of sorts but in reality it was much more interesting. It really is little shavings of a pickles carefully planted by one Nicholas Lube who like most Lubes he is the smartest person you'll ever meet but most of the world bores him. There is only four people in the world he will talk too and the only thing he will discuss is pickles and their history with an occasional dab of philosophy for the theoretical flavor.

Today happen to be Ford, Zaphod, Arthur, and Trillian's lucky day because they are going to meet a Lube. In case you're wondering its not Nicholas because he is currently engaged in teaching a pickled squirrel how to play marbles. He dies in the process seventy eight years later. R.I.P. A moment of silence please. "…." thank you. The Lube they happen to meet was named Rakint. Rakint was a strapping young farmer who hopped around the rainforest in search of tourist that he might guide to happiness.

"Well 'Hello," Rakint kindly greeted the seriously screwed up group of galactic misfits. "Is there anything I can do to help you ? My name is Rakint Lube." As soon as he said his poor misplaced name Ford and Zaphod started laughing like a monkey was about to perform heart surgery on Arthur. "What?" Rakint questioned to the group at large.

"Dude," Zaphod started while giggling madly "If you flip your names it makes Lubrakint." At this everybody but Rakint started laughing madly.

"You want to know something?" Rakint asked with daggers in his eyes. "You know what I've had to live through with a name like that. I went through years of torture at Pickle High School. I came back one day and through smoke bombs at my tormentors. I still see a psychiatrist twenty three times a day to deal with my emotional problems. And here we are. I hope you rot in the deepest circle of hell knowing that you caused me to kill myself!" When Rakint was done he took out his knife and killed himself. He fell down dead.(Insert dramatic music here). After several minutes Rakint popped up laughing and said " Ohh that was funny you thought I was dead. I was just screwing with you. (Well except for the part with the psychiatrist) My real name is Fred. Have fun and enjoy the pickles." Rakint cheerfully left and went on to carry his business.

After Rakint left Zaphod still found himself laughing. "What's so funny?" Trillian asked.

"Are you kidding? His name is Fred. Isn't that hilarious. Fred the pickle farmer HA." Zaphod fell over laughing and the rest of them decided to make camp there for the night,

Four became Three

After several weeks of this relentless search for the famed albino pickle Arthur stood up and pondered. "what's the point?" he asked to the world. "Why are we searching so hard for something a note told us.?" by this time he had captured the interest of his peers and they stared at him intently. "Why can't we just sit back and let the universe take us for the ride instead of us giving the universe a ride? I'm happy here. Well uh happy enough." Arthur finished.

Ford and Zaphod looked at him and grinned with equal amounts of menacing. "If that's the case then stay." Ford said to him slowly.

"You know what? I think I will. See you guys later." Arthur got down off his rock and wandered away to confront. his personal demons.

"Well that was fun." Zaphod said sullenly.

"Yeah your telling me." Ford answered "you know what lets blow this popsicle stand.."

"Sounds good to me." Zaphod said as he shook his heads. "Yo Trillian you dig."

"What?"

"You coming?"

"Shit yeah!" Trillian answered and with that they were off.

The end?

Now if there is someone out there reading this(which I seriously doubt) then you're probably thinking 'ohh what an odd ending' but in reality this is a beginning to so many new things its impossible to describe. We could go on to learn of Marvin's robotic dreams, Arthur's soul searching, the three amigos' wanderings, or the adventure of Fred the pickle farmer. Or possibly these are all answers to the one ultimate question in which we all search for an answer. Which in that case these tall tales are all the same and have a relevant theme of one's true place in a universe so vast not even Christopher

Columbus thinks it flat. In which the answer is 42. Now I'm guessing you're probably so totally lost you have not the foggiest idea of what the hell the maniac writing this (me! And yes I'm offended) is going on about. If only I new, but then again where's the excitement in that. For those of you who have stuck with me thus far I applaud you for you must of found a deeper purpose that I am not aware of.

What is Reality(Arthur's Findings)Book 2

Five minutes after Arthur left his group he regretted it. He felt lost hopeless and felt as if he did not belong. In all truthfulness he did not belong. He was an intergalactic misfit rejected by all and not wanted by all. So what did he do he went back to get the most depressed person he knew figuring they would make him feel better about himself, so as you may have guessed he went to go get Marvin. After spending several days wandering through the famed rainforest, snacking on the occasional pickle, he made his way to the sleeping bulk that had the unfortunate luck of being a sad little robot named

Marvin.

"Marvin you ole bucket of bolts wake the hell up!" Arthur went on screaming that for several hours before he noticed that Marvin was turned off. He flipped the heavy robot over and flipped his rusty on and off switch. As soon as he flipped the switch Marvin's innards started moaning and gasping for a life source to hold and sustain something for

Marvin to survive off.

Marvin turned his giant head around until his tennis ball eyes turned onto Arthur's pathetic form. "Oh goody you're here. I wake up and instead of death happily greeting me I get to see you, Mr. Ray of sunshine." Marvin slowly got up on too his legs and expertly surveyed his surroundings. "So monkey man where is the rest of this dream team. Not saying that you're not good enough" Marvin proclaimed through his sarcastic grin.

"We have a name for people like you in England. Hitler want to bees." Arthur said and gave himself a proud little smirk. For the first time in a couple of days Arthur was finally feeling miserable, a step up from suicidal. "And for your information I abandon our group because they had no real point and were looking for nothing in particular," Arthur said.

"Why did you leave. You seem like the sort of person who would fit right in with soul searching assholes." Marvin spat back.

"You know what? You are not a nice person."

"This is true . I am miserable and technically not a person." Marvin responded.

"Think of what you're saying, We can work it Out" Arthur sang to Marvin.

"Get a life and stop quoting Beatles' songs you fruit fly."

"Don't talk to me about life." Arthur sang.

"That is my catch phrase you pile of under glorified Beeblebrox crap."

"I've had enough." Arthur calmly replies. He simply walked over and shut Marvin off. "Take that bitch!" he whispered and off he went to go soul-searching. "I am now officially Bored." Arthur sadly proclaimed to the world.

Arthur slowly sat down on a boulder that wasn't there two seconds ago and stared off and stared into the space he knew all to well. As the time wore by Arthur grew more and more into a sheltered thinking mode. Out of the blue a rock came up to Arthur and said "Don't Worry, Be Happy." Arthur took one look at the rock and made up his decision on what life is what it will be and how it works.

"To acknowledge that one does not belong is in fact at its essence a decree of belonging." Arthur said to himself because at that moment he felt like he belonged nowhere but what difference does that make. He felt through his life's experience he earned the title of belonging to those who don't belong.

Fate? (Marvin's Tale)

Marvin slowly shifted back to life and was surprised to see what he saw. He saw nothing but blue and green. He slowly got himself up and took in his surroundings more seriously noticing that peculiar was the name of the metaphorical name. Marvin slowly started walking up, down, left, right he couldn't tell. After several minutes of deep thought Marvin realized where he was. He was presiding in the common phenomenon known as a black whole. Marvin reveled in the fact that right now he was moving faster than light, which is no small feat. He saw an end coming and braced himself for his release from his energy fuelled ride. The black hole spat Marvin out and he felt his body being pushed through all explicable hell in order to arrive at his unexpected reality.

Marvin landed next to Arthur and he realized reality and fate are unavoidable. He has tried for all of his miserable existence to avoid Arthur because he really didn't like anybody. He thought if life had a plan for me why couldn't it me a nice suicidal one but no fate wants me to be happy. The rat bastard. Marvin finally made eye contact with Arthur and the two of them had a new nonverbal understanding.

Well?

"Ford I feel bad about ditching Marvin and Arthur." Trillian told Her companion.

"Trillian, we didn't actually abandon Arthur he left, and Marvin.. Well… he's just a Marvin." Ford replied.

"Guys.." Zaphod whined "Do you all just want to go see if those two ant to come back into the group."

"A vote?" Ford asked.

"No more voting." Zaphod proclaimed. "Let's just go."

"Okay!"

"Okay and I'm still not knocked up!"

"How could you possibly be pregnant Trillian?" Ford asked earnestly. "You've had as much action as a nun."

"Yeah but that whole incident with Arthur, the sperm whale and the time traveling ." she replied sheepishly.

"I'm disgusted," Ford said "but anyway lets go find our lost buddies and then.. Well.. uhm… Do something extraordinary."

"Yeah because that's worked out so well for us." Zaphod responded his sarcastic nature showing through.

"Whatever, Let's roll." ford practically shouted and together the three of them went to find there two lost counterparts.

Look a squirrel

"Marvin what did you do with that thing that you steer a ship with." Arthur pleaded.

"You know, monkey man sometimes your stupidity amazes me. Its called a steering wheel and its over up in the cockpit." Marvin responded sounding slightly less suicidal than the usual man.

"Yeah… uhh.. I know was.. uhm.. Testing you." Arthur hung his head in shame and made his way to the cockpit. "Hmm," Arthur looked around and suddenly started pushing buttons in a random fashion when out of the blue another proud sponsor of the flashers outlet mall came up to them and offered to pilot their journey. Marvin looked at the strange fellow and nodded his head. Arthur moved his lump of a body out of the way and the newcomer and sat in the pilot's chair. After a few minutes of preflight they finally made their way toBetelgeuse 5 the home of Ford and Zaphod.

More reunions

"You want to know something?" Zaphod asked the people around him. "It just hit me. Those two depressed losers are probably coming to us. So why are we getting ready to go?"

"No there is no way in hades they would come find us" Ford said to those around him. Unfortunately for Ford at that exact moment Arthur and Marvin came walking up to them with one goofy grin and a sullen air of dissatisfaction.

"Aloha my friends!" Arthur said to an unexpected crowd. "How have you all been. Marvin and I decided we wanted to come back and alas here we are." Like a flashback he was answered with an unnerving silence.

When out of the silence Zaphod said "Who says alas now of days! Who are you Shakespeare." he continued to rant on but it was all lost in mumbles and loose interpretations. The five of them looked at each other wearily and decided on a group hug. It didn't really work out because they all reached down at the same time and crashed into one another.

"So," Ford began with a new found confidence "Should we you know like do something or maybe not."

"Yeah uhh why don't we go for a swim." Zaphod suggested innocently. The all agreed on this and slowly began to walk to a local creek. As soon as Arthur saw the water he started doing flips in his mind the water was an awesome shade of purple, like a liquid barney. Arthur looked around and was full of something similar to an altered state of mind. The fish were all pale white but it was an illusion. Ford went onto explain that the fish take on a beautiful color that best suit's the beholder. "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder" started in this famous universal wonder.

"It still amazes me after all these years," Ford says to his companions. Some of Ford's best life memories happened on an near this pond. They all stared off and then suddenly jumped into the water and started jumping like gleeful toddlers who got their lollipops back for no apparent reason. After a happy hour of swimming, laughing and noise making the decided to get out and figure out what is going to be on their wayward agenda.

Plans

"Maybe we could go see a unicorn race or go swim in jello or perhaps buy a seesaw." Zaphod spoke out hopefully. They all looked at him and decided that Zaphod was a officially madman. He has always been a self proclaimed madman but now I imagine he felt better that he was vindicated and the world shared his opinion of himself. "Or maybe.."

Zaphod was cut off by Ford opening his mouth and shouting out the most perfect idea. "Why don't we all go out and buy towels for ourselves!" everone around seemed simple ecstatic at this absurd proposal because who doesn't love the feel of a brand new towel. Marvin didn't seem to thrilled but that could be for a sundry of reasons. One, being that he never is particularly excited and two being that what is going to need a towel for, all of his showers and snuggling.

"You think they have towels with little patterns of racecars and Spiderman" Arthur asked looking for something to excited about.

"I'm gonna guess no" Trillian replied still having the edge of being thrilled.

"Never underestimate the value of the promised towel smith with a lot of free time" Ford replied looking out to the horizon figuring out the bugs in his glorious plan. 'What could possible go wrong' he thought to himself. 'I got this'.

"For once in this depressing existence can we do something I want to do. Like a robot appliance store or a Barnes and Nobles." Marvin said trying to keep a sullen expression from slipping to something more depressed than he already looked.

"Of coarse buddy," Trillian said reassuringly and of coarse she had no intention of doing that but a little support here and there never hurt.

"Anyway, how about we all make our way to spaceport and see what we can steal from some unsuspected newlywed couple so we can make our way to a quality towel shop." Zaphod exclaimed with his famous twinkle returning to his eyes.

"Sounds good," Ford agreed "but this time we can't be all loosely goosey. We need to have a solid plan of action and invade with our normal fashion relentless wit and cartoon like ploys." and with that The Fab five made their way to a local honeymoon hotel notoriously named Sex in the City Hotel.

"Okay guys," Zaphod whispered to his co-horts "See that ship over there. The silver one over in the corner." Zaphod pointed at the new star traveler and five faces stared intently on it. "So any ideas on how we should go see it."

From behind him Arthur suggested that they just simply walk into it and well drive. Everyone turned their heads to yell at him simultaneously when they realized that Arthur wasn't there. They snapped their heads around looking for him when ford noticed him walking towards the ship. "You idiot! What are you doing?" Ford shrieked to Arthur at the top of his enormously large lungs. "Come Back!"

Arthur had just turned around so they could calmly discuss his seemingly irrational behaviors. When all of a sudden every ship in the parking lot except for one red ship sitting precariously in the middle of this strangely absurd parking lot. "Now," Ford said "We can make a snazzy exit." They all raced into the direction of the red hip and by an extreme stroke of luck it was unlocked. They piled in and Ford went and took the controls. As soon as Ford revved the engine up all the other ships started beeping and blinking like cool Christmas lights. Ford put started screaming like a baby with a spoiled diaper, except in more of a celebratory fashion and they were off into the black of space.

In Space

Ford walked out from the cockpit and he nonverbally declared an informal meeting to discuss where they will be buying their towels. They made some quiet suggestions when suddenly a literal light went off in Marvin's over sized brain and actually had an idea that might bring joy, instead of the usual depression that his words provided. Marvin opened his mouth in a slow fashion, like a character on Baywatch and he stunned his audience. "Why don't we go to Bed Bath and Beyond(now with towels)." Marvin uttered.

"Sounds like a perfect idea to me." Trillian announced.

"Yeah, sounds turbulently funny." Ford agreed.

"What is the Beyond for?" Arthur asked in his usual clueless manner.

"Monkey man read a book. I say it sounds like a jolly good time." his voice layered with friendly sarcasm. "Lets roll like a boulder on Everest."

"How could a boulder roll on a pack of smokes?" Arthur asked earnestly.

"I just want to kill you sometimes." Ford said to Arthur. "But anyway let's go." and with that they made their way to Lecky, the home of the famed appliance store.

Towels

They had finally pulled up to their famed store and they stepped out of their "borrowed" ship in a celebratory fashion. They walked together in a Wizard of Oz style and they talked about mindless things that none of them would remember tomorrow. "Okay," Zaphod proclaimed, now adopting an air of happiness, "Lets split up and find our towels. We will meet at the front annex in exactly one hour. Okay, ready Break." and on Break everyone turned to go get the towel of their dreams. Well everyone except Marvin who stood there aimlessly because as said before what the hell does he need a towel for.

Ford was walking like a jolly man sorting through the assorted towel trying to find his perfect match. He started playing his life back in his mind. His troublesome youth, his unorthodox schooling, his time at theHitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. When it him what exactly did that article on towels say again. He took out his trusty copy of his favorite book and scrolled down to the towel article. It read :

"A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value. You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapors; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River Moth; wet it for use in hand-to-hand-combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes or avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (such a mind-bogglingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can't see it, it can't see you); you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough.

More importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For some reason, if a strag (strag: non-hitch hiker) discovers that a hitch hiker has his towel with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a toothbrush, face flannel, soap, tin of biscuits, flask, compass, map, ball of string, gnat spray, wet weather gear, space suit etc., etc. Furthermore, the strag will then happily lend the hitch hiker any of these or a dozen other items that the hitch hiker might accidentally have "lost". What the strag will think is that any man who can hitch the length and breadth of the galaxy, rough it, slum it, struggle against terrible odds, win through, and still knows where his towel is, is clearly a man to be reckoned with.

Hence a phrase that has passed into hitchhiking slang, as in "Hey, you sass that hoopy Ford Prefect? There's a frood who really knows where his towel is." (Sass: know, be aware of, meet, have sex with; hoopy: really together guy; frood: really amazingly together guy.)" -Douglas Adams hitchhikers Guide of the Galaxy.

Ford reread this article with a grin and here he was trying to find the right towel for himself. He poked around for another minute until. He saw it. 'Yes' he thought to himself 'a nickel' he walked away and continued to search for his towel until out of the blue one came and hit him in the head at the same time as a large mysterious voice uttered "Wrong." Not trying to piss fate off he took his given towel and went back to the meeting annex.

Zaphod sat in a circle roughly the shape and size of the average hula hoop. One of the cheap old ones though, not those new fancy ones with those little beads in them. He sat in his circle and stared at the five towels that he had forced to be there why he sat and contemplated. He liked to believe that each towel represented a different reality or perhaps a different twist in fate or maybe that was the drugs talking, nut either way

I mean who cares. it's a towel right. "Wrong" a mysterious voice rang out through the store and Zaphod made his very anti-climatic decision.

"What's up with the sound?" Arthur wondered aloud. He shrugged off the strange sense and started once again pondering which towel he should get. This one absurd towel seemed to scream at him or maybe really it was. Either way he chose his towel. It was the one next to the screaming one.

Trillian scanned the aisle she was in and was intently scanning the towels trying to find the one that spoke to her inner soul, or some mumbo jumbo like that. She finally found a towel that complemented her curious nature by giving her a warm sense of comfort. Right as she went to grab it the sound of an angry social studies teacher screamed "Wrong!" Trillian went and took that towel anyway. "That's right" she said under her breathe "You wan to go mysterious voice." Silence. "Yeah didn't think so." After winning her battle she merrily skipped to front entrance.

I'm Sick of Reunions

After what turned out to be several hours of searching(were you honestly expecting them to be on time) they happen to approach at the same time and gave each other equally stupid grins.

"Hey guys," Ford cheerfully proclaimed to his comrades. "Did you all find you towels?" Ford asked sounding like that baby I talked about before who got his lollipop back. A chorus of yeses, sures, and yups. They all pulled out their towels from behind their backs and showed them to each other with the proudest smirks. Instantly the outcast was seen. Three of the four towels was a deep shade of indigo that reminds the thinking person of the Atlantic ocean's appearance during that time between day and night. On these towels a golden pattern was engraved. The pattern was a picture of a sandwich repeated over and over again. The beauty of this is that when you bite down upon this towel your mouth is filled with the taste of a fresh turkey sandwich made after the inter galactic thanksgiving.

After seeing that there was an outcast among them three of these once happy people turned their faces to show looks of contempt, pity, and hidden sarcasm. "Arthur," Zaphod whined "Switch towels with Trillian so you become the freak with the wrong towel." Not wanting to cause a fuss Arthur willingly resigned himself to his fate and traded towels with Trillian. After the apparent unfair trade Arthur was pointed at rudely and he hung his brown haired head in shame.

"So what should we do? I mean, we have our towels and nothing interesting happened." Ford asked to his peers. "We could go see the Statue of Freedom." he suggested.

"Why don't we go see a play. I hear the musical/comedy Fred Lube ,The Story of a Funny Pickle farmer with a Twisted Sense of Ludicrous Humor, is now showing on ice and has gotten rave reviews." Trillian responded.

"For the first time in my life I do not know the answer to a question." Marvin stated never breaking his now famous monotone.

"What is it?" Ford asked genuinely curious., Its not everyday someone has a chance to pull one over Marvin. Well I mean intellectually, pretty much everyone beats Marvin in the are of happiness.

"If I recall didn't some of you have to make a rather mind altering, universe changing bowel movements." Marvin asked the assembled crowd of obviously misplaced misfits.

"Oh yeah.." Ford began "Hum now that you mention it I have been a little tense lately. Perhaps an overfilled intestinal track has been the cause to my discomfort."

"May I suggest that we make our way to Merta and to the Wonder Bowl in the hopes that we might find our perfect toilet. I mean we already are on a role, we just got our perfect towels." Arthur said to his friends.

"I do need a toilet." Zaphod wistfully told himself. "Well.. Let's go. Wait how the heck are we going to get there."

"Ohh yeah We have no ship."

"What do you mean?" Arthur questioned. "What happen to the ship we took here."

"Well Why were gone Marvin got more lonely than usual and went over to talk to it and just like last Marvin contemplated life with, the poor thing killed itself." Ford responded.

"What can I say?" Marvin said to no one in particular.

"Well we could hitchhike there. Just like the good old days." Ford said "Remember Arthur? Good times."

"Feels good to me." Zaphod responded.

"Stop groping me Zaphod." Ford angrily whisper shouted to his deluded friend.

"Ohh.. Well.. I like your idea. So lets go." Trillian looked happy at heir quest and put her thumb in the air. Arthur hung his head and clung to his towel hoping for some support as he raised his thumb in the air. Zaphod and Ford shot each other a lunatic fringed smirk/grin and stuck their thumbs up in the air at the same time. Finally, Marvin looked at the four idiots with their thumbs in the air and reduced himself to his pathetic fate and wrapped himself in his grief as he stuck his large thumb in the air. The five of them were swept away together found themselves on an oddly velvet ship, that smelt like a rotting vomit with spoiled snot as its flavoring.

Alternative Ending

"I have a question," Marvin said to his bewildered friends.

"What?" asked in unison.

"You know those signs that have one arrow pointing up and one pointing down."

"Yeah" Ford responded to Marvin "They mean traffic both ways.

"I disagree, I think that it means bisexuals welcome here." For the first time in his life Marvin laughed, which sort of sounded like a frog hacking up a fur ball.

"What an odd time to develop a sense of humor." Arthur said.

"What an even odder sense of humor," Ford replied with a toothy grin. The five of them walked down the street together looking to get some overpriced beer.


End file.
